forgive me —
if I do not have anything to say to you —
or if there is nothing that I wish to know,
you see, lately, it has been harder to remember a dream —
it has been harder to remember being good —
I have always thought of love to be a gun in your mouth —
something that reminded you of how much you have to lose,
and you see, I just loved someone yesterday,
and the lights went out before the trigger was pulled —
and she could not see me bleed,
nor could she see that it smeared her shoes
and trailed along her footsteps back to where she came from,
and I told her, yes, it has been harder to remember a dream,
I can't remember why I came here —
he said, God, how I wish we could go back to the way
things were before, when you did not care so much,
O blessed be the ones that are blissful in their languor
so they don't have to remember where is it that they hurt —
and blissful I am now, in my own otherness —

so you see, I could not want you
if my life was not in your hands —
if I could not feel it flicker in your mouth,
if I could not be afraid,
to know that one day it is all going to be over,
so forgive me, if I do not have anything to say to you,
it has been harder to remember that I'm still breathing —
you see, I have learned how to die alone,
and although you are so kind to me,
and perhaps I would learn to want to hold you too,
you would still look away just as easily
if the enormity of my existence scared you,
and isn't that the whole point, to not be able to walk away?

!! अभय !!

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